Contemplations: 1 Week Out From Part B

I’m currently sat in my lounge feeling awful. It’s been a really good day of revision, with lots of good scenarios practiced with good people.

Yet I have this uneasy feeling which is not-so-good. It’s like an unshakeable sensation hovering just over my head, like a writhing, amorphous, obscuris-like entity composed of all my stress and anxiety generated by the upcoming Part B exam I have in exactly one week’s time.

Last week I was fine. Well, I say fine, I was stressed but it was more like a controlled implosion. Fast forward to today and my head is undergoing an exothermic reaction that, to all intents and purposes, has every characteristic of an uncontrolled explosion apart from the literal manifestation.

I want to capture my contemplations in the moment, to show something real involved in the process of my exam preparation. The process is not pretty, no matter how hard I try to make it seem so. Sometimes the mental and emotional exhaustion renders my brain deficient in positive energy. No matter how many iterations of “ideal productive desk” or how many artistic photographs of carefully choreographed notes are posted on Instagram, the reality is unrelenting and certainly not aesthetically friendly.

Contemplations:

The world feels like a really big place.

My head feels like a really small space.

I can’t control everything, but I want to.

There’s too much to cover in so little time.

I’m both energised through frustration and knackered at the same time.

I want to sit through the entire night while the world is quiet to just obtain some head space.

The curtains help to encapsulate me in my own world.

I want to be ready for this exam but I also cannot wait to be rid of the stress of it.

My whole being feels dysregulated, as though I have a warped sense of time and normality.

I want to eat everything yet I’m not hungry.

This a mere summary to enshrine how I feel and pinpoint the low moments. But, as with many things, it is transient and will pass. The light at the end of the tunnel is closer and the end is nigh. In one week’s time I will be rolling on the grass; whether it’s greener or not, it’ll be the other side.

Let’s keep going.