It’s been almost nine months since my last journal entry. A lot has happened during that time. Most pertinently, though, I found myself in a bit of a rut with writing. I often contemplated an empty canvas with something potentially akin to disdain but more like anxiety borne of unhinged perfectionism.
Yet, I’m not writing this to berate or discredit myself. On the contrary, I’m writing this to enshrine a certain moment for myself and anybody else who may read this. A moment that’s essentially an epiphany about the simplification of life.
Over the last few weeks, as I wound down post final Annual Review of Competency Progression (ARCP) and successfully completed my Core Surgical Training (CST), I have subconsciously been simplifying my life. Nothing major, just a slow retraction of effort from the areas that have consumed large quantities of my time and energy during these first two years of surgical training. It’s felt fairly natural to be perfectly candid. I realised that I was exhausted post CST. It has been a truly arduous and testing segment of my life where I’ve seen an incredible amount of growth and achieved things that I never really envisaged as tangible. Yet I now find myself in an incredibly privileged position: I have finished CST, I have successfully attained a Trauma & Orthopaedic Surgery training post in my first choice deanery, and I have a whole 6 months (now 5) ahead of me to enjoy traveling with my fiancée. Pure gratitude would be an understatement.
What this situation therefore offers is a unique opportunity to shift from a mad working pattern, where I accept every new project like Pac-Man, to value based work. That is, I can concentrate on the things that I want instead of need. I’ve been able to focus on projects that I’ve wanted to plan for ASiT, I’ve been able to connect better with trainees in the region, and I’ve been able to say yes to teaching events and mentoring sessions.
More importantly, however, I have been able to reconnect with my life in glorious technicolor; I’ve had time to catch up with friends, time to see family, been on holidays, and also proposed to my now fiancée. And in two days’ time, I fly out to South America for a once in a lifetime backpacking trip with my other half and I genuinely cannot wait.
So, it’s truly been a blast and I’m looking forward to continuing this refreshed “cosmic life energy”. I decided to delete the Instagram app from my phone as I found it was negatively affecting my mental equilibrium more than it was benefitting my writing. It’s been the best thing I’ve done and has fully allowed me to disconnect from the feeling that everyone else has a better life than me, as well as that nagging voice in the back of my mind that was telling me to post more, engage more, create more. Perhaps I’m just not a natural, but I’m glad I’ve realised this and reasserted my sense of self. Additionally, I have taken a long break from Twitter and adamantly refuse to download the app so that I can avoid scrolling for an eternity through #MedTwitter. If you know, you know, and if you’ve done what I have, then you probably feel a lot better for it. The toxic dose of this dopamine pit is about 20 seconds (in my humblest of opinions).
Anyway, tonight, as I write this, I have chosen to reel in the endless possibilities proffered by the world of visual, internet-based entertainment and read a book instead. As obvious as it sounds, I conceded that a book will simplify the world to just words on a page and my imagination. No pop-ups, no eye-catching trailers about macabre murders, no celebrity gossip. Just me and my tangible, physical book. Rustling pages and meandering stories that transport me away without artificial light exposure.
Pretty cool, huh..?
Vasudev Zaver 